I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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