Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The power of my boobs compel you
Terrible idea I love it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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