Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We had to coat check the pizza.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
