it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
