Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think my moral compass just broke
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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