I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
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I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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