Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
