My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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