There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
