I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
