Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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