my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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