When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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