1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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