Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
