also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
