My hand turned me down
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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