Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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