apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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