I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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