i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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