I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
