life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
