it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
