Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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