If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
