I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
