I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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