Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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