When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
