if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
