and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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