Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You had me at "let me see your balls"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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