if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
