The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
