Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
