My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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