Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
