so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
