Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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