My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
