I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
