Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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