So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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