I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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