my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
