i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Randomize
