some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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