Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
