Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
