My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
