people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
