Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting