Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
