So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
