You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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