the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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