So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
