I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
